There are some people's blog entries I read, and that just gets me thinking. Stupid mind, stop thinking.
Are there some things work risking? Are there some things worth searching for, even if you'll never find them? Are there some things that you have that you'll never realize do? Will there always be a place to come home to, or is that just part of the risk? Will there always be someone waiting for me, or is losing our friends an inevitability? And what will I have gained when all that remains for me is memories? Is that actually having something, or is that having nothing?
I don't know.
Some decisions I just can't make, because the future is uncertain, because I don't know myself, because I don't know my friends, because I know nothing at all. I'm groping blindly in the dark, but aren't we all?
I can't say anything for sure, I can't even say for sure that I won't stop trying my best. But for now, I will say: I will try.
Because as much as I scoff at other fanboys and fangirls, I am a fangirl. There is a reason I'm a fangirl of certain series and certain characters. Each one I like, is essentially, some sort of role-model. They all have at least one aspect which I aspire to.
And while I'm still a fangirl, I'm going to try. I'm going to try my best for myself, for my friends, for those who I grew up with, for those who raised me, for those who will forever be a part of me, and for those I love.
It seems people do not change. Even over the centuries and millenia. Read older writings and you see this. Some themes run constant throughout history. One of the the oldest, "Know Thyself", is repeated in writings that are more enduring than most. Solitary individuals like Plato, Rilke, some Zen Monks, Elizabeth I, Goethe and others saw themselves and the world around them more objectively. It can seem pretty dry until you begin to see that what they write about is in each person you will ever know. Then it becomes kind of magical.
Still learning at age 44 and finding it no easier but more interesting.
Good luck!
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