Longest entry ever

LOOT
- Lupin the 3rd keychain with coin holder (go UFO machines!)
- Cluster Artbook (Rare CLAMP stuff! Rock!)
- Guilty Gear: SolxKy "Amends" doujinshi
- A picture of Sam, Kalvin, and Me at the ferris wheel on top of HEP Five
- Harry/Draco pin (the picture that inspired Asphodel
to buy me the 2003 Harry Potter calendar. ^_^ It's a gorgeous picture of Harry and Draco
staring at each other. *lurve* I stole Sam's red Sharpie and drew a heart between their gazes. <3)
- Two FFX doujinshi for Amberlee

LEVELS GAINED
1 level for Shitenouji
1 level for Kokubunji
1 level for HEP Five ferris wheel

Total levels gained today: 3
LEVEL 9 Theif

KICKASS EXPERIENCES
- Trying (and failing) to lockpick the door on the top floor of the pagoda in Shittennouji so we could get a better view and run around
outside
- Just being inside the pagoda and some of the rooms in Shitennouji
- Sam and his obliviousness
- Watching Sam win a Kakashi keychain from the UFO machine after about 7 tries
- Winning a Lupin the 3rd keychain after the first try
- Wtaching Sam try and fail to score a Doraemon pillow after over 2000yen
- Joking about falling and dying on the HEP Five ferris wheel
- Trying to communicate to the ticket lady exactly how we wanted our Harry Potter tickets

NOT SO KICKASS EXPERIENCES
- Waiting for over an hour for Sam and Kalvin to show up
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

GIL DOWN THE HOLE
A little over 10,000yen

WHY WE DON'T GAIN YEN AS WE LEVEL UP
Because we're too lazy/law-abiding to engage in random battles (ie: beating up random people
on the street) for money.

KEY POINTS
- I really should have been able to pick the lock in Shitennouji (yes, I have my set with me),
but the lock was really old and the barrel wouldn't turn despite the fact that I had all the pins
pressed down. *frustration!* Stupid Level 20 lock kicked my ass!
- Kokubunji was tiny. And it housed several cars, including a blue BMW. Now I where all the money
for my shuuin is going. -_-;; Oh well, it's a level. :D
- Loud gaijin wandering around in otera and the Umeda area: lots of stares, but even more fun. ^_^
Must hang around again with Sam and Kalvin some time.

Hari Potaa to Azukaban no Shuujin
- David Thewlis is cool, but unfortunately David Thewlis is NOT Remus Lupin.
- Gary Oldman is cool, but unfortunately Gary Oldman is crazy NOT Sirius Black.
And no, I am not budging on these two points, now that I have actually seen the movie.
- Somehow I managed to miss the pillow fight. Sam and Kalvin inform me that it was indeed there. I think I was actually
too busy thinking about how wonderfully sexy-looking Daniel Radcliffe would be if he were to get it on with Tom Felton.
- Alan Rickman: I have new respect for the man. He was classic. Now I understand what all those Harry/Snape fans are
squealing about.
- New Dumbledore: XD Hahahahahahaha. Dumbledore got younger. *snorts with laughter* That new anti-aging cream must be
working.
- Draco Malfoy: what they did to you in PoA is an absolute travesty, but never fear, your fanon!self will forever be in my
heart, courtesy of Aja. (Grrr! Now I am itching for a good LUW!Harry to RP with. *scowl* ;_; Somebody do Harry/Draco with me
pleeeeeeeeeeeeease.)
- Werewolf: ...How Snape managed to get those kids to crank out two parchments on werewolves (with a focus on how to identify them)
is completely a mystery to me. It's BLATANTLY OBVIOUS.
- They didn't explain the Maurauders. Dude...what the fuck. Sam and Kalvin, who haven't read the books, were totally confused.
- Alfonso Cuaron: awesome directing. If I could give you a fucking hug, I would give you a fucking hug.
- Qudditch: There needs to be more Quidditch. I miss Quidditch.

Conclusion: Skuld gets no love. ;_;

SIRIUS/REMUS
Sirius/Remus siriusly (+1 puns) used to be my Harry Potter OTP (+1 true pairing), but the lack of seriously (aren't you glad
I restrained myself that time?) good Sirius/Remus fics caused me to turn to a Harry/Draco fan, once the absolutely
Destra showed me Harry/Draco. And now, I am in forever in my debt, because HP/DM IS LOVE.
Roni told me that I would be renewed in my faith of Sirius/Remus with the new movie,
but alas, I find it exactly the opposite despite the added "...blah...arguing like a married couple...blah" statement by Snape halfway
through the Shrieking Shack scene.

The way that Sirius and Remus have been cast is not exactly at all like I imagined them, both physically and personality-wise. I am strongly
unsure of whether or not this my innate anime/bishounen bias, or whether Rowling truly sucks at giving her characters any vibrant personality or
strong physical indicators. I strongly suspect the latter, though I cannot deny the influences of the former.
The girlfriend unit and I have been through debates of Sirius and Remus before, and I have to say that I find such arguments (we're both very stubborn
about such things) extremely displeasurable and try to avoid them at all costs. But alas (+1 angst) there is a cost, and that is Skuld gets very
angsty. (Yes, I know I'm not supposed to get angsty in Japan, it just happens.)

First of all, I hope you all don't mind that I be very frank. This entry involves people I know who may or may not (I'm not entirely sure) read my journal, but
I'm not about to be a little pussy and make the entries private. I don't mind sharing my thoughts about others on a public blogspace, so I hope you don't
mind either.

Anyways, after the PoA movie came out in the states (22 days before it came out here in Japan) the girlfriend unit was all over Sirius/Remus, which I knew that we were both
big fans of. I have always been doubtful that Gary Oldman was a good choice for Sirius Black simply because of the reason that I never imagined Sirius Black to look
at all like the way they've got Gary Oldman in there. Sure, 12 years in Azkaban takes a toll on you, but it doesn't have to you make you look like that bum I keep
passing going between Hanshin and Hankyu Umeda. Roni and I have also been in rather heated and muleish (on both our sides) about how we've characterized Sirius and
Remus. Especially Remus.

I simply do not like Roni's Remus. Or her interpretation of how the Sirius/Remus relationship works.
As she says Rah says, she's a very "butch" Remus, which is not at all
how I imagined him to be.
...and this transitions into the next section.

DEEP THOUGHTS/ANGST
I've put a lot of thought into this when I shower (I seem to be most lucid in the shower, don't ask me why), and I have finally come up with analogy to the
Remus-in-Skuld's-head that I believe you can all understand. As far as the range of expression, personality, and looks (though Mauo's Fish Garden rendition
of Remus will forever remain the Remus that I pictured) goes, I would pin the Remus in my head as being very close to Card Captor Sakura's Tsukishiro Yukito.
I've just always imagined him a smiling, gentle person, full of a latent energy that he never lets show. (We can discard the enormous appetite bit, and the transforming
into Yue. ^^;;) If I had to pin a personality on Sirius Black (and I have given this much less thought in the shower), at the moment I'd be tempted to say,
D.N.Angel's Dark Mousy. Both looks, personality, and range of expression. This is not entirely correct, but if I come up with something better, I will let you know in
a random entry of mine.

In short, Remus is not at all like Thewlis, and not at all like Roni imagined him.

And for some reason, this really rubs me the wrong way. This makes me uncertain about a lot of things, such as what I want in a relationship, and what I want in a
relationship that I might stick to for a good chunk, if not the rest, of my life. The fact that Roni roleplays slashy with other people, makes me jealous as fucking hell.
I am not entirely sure of the reason, but I think it has something to do with being insecure with our lack of contact during these long three months apart. It makes me insecure
because I am still questioning what we built the foundations of "our relationship" on, and how much Sol Badguyu really has fucked up my head in the short year he's been residing
as a fluffy pink bunny-muse-thing. It really makes me question what to do in the future.

In short, if I had to sum up my relationship with Roni at this point, I'd have to say, "Roleplay." That's what it's been about from the beginning, and that's what it currently is
now. I admit responsibility for this. I admit that I sometimes sincerely wish that I met Roni in completely different circumstances though I am not entirely sure whether or not
we would've been together if we had. This in itself is troubling. To be honest, Roni and I started out roleplaying SolxKy 11 months ago. It didn't take me long to become completely
infatuated with her even though I hardly knew her outside of roleplay. At that time I was not terribly worried about it as I was in a long-distance but long-term relationship with Omi,
and I figured it was just a crush that would pass quickly and Omi and I could go on happily shoving all our problems aside the way it has always been. But I was wrong. I did dump Omi
for Roni, because I wanted her more. At the time I wasn't sure whether my crush on her was a side-effect of getting too much in character (it often happens during roleplay, I somehow
fail to draw the line between me and my character, and I think is because I roleplay the people who I feel the closest to the deepest, darkest parts of me), or whether my feelings
for her were actually genuine. At the time, I pushed that doubt aside and just settled on the feel-good answer, "Well, I guess I'll find out."

And I did find out, and I still know, that I love Roni. I really do, I love her. I think I know enough of her to say that. I think I know myself well enough to say that. But there are
still and perhaps always will be doubts, much of those are on my part. I am not too happy about our relationship being based entirely SolxKy, but there is ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING we can do about it.
She lives in Chicago, I live in Boston. We have spent a total of less than a week in each other's company, barely alone, and we are poor as hell. I really would like to get Roni alone, without everyone
else. (Oh yeah, and to all you guys who were unwilling to be sexiled for fifteen minutes Saturday night of ACen, a hearty "fuck you" to you all.) But that won't be possible until at least Christmas,
which is a penance of a long-distance relationship I must accept however reluctantly I do it. The fact that our relationship is built on SolxKy roleplay is partly my fault, partly out of my control.
First, it's the easiest way to interact with Roni when I have buttloads of homework, which at a school like MIT, is all the fucking time. If I wasn't RPing with her, I'd never talk to her, at all. I also
like RPing SolxKy, because I think we mesh really well as that couple.

I seriously doubt if we would mesh as Sirius/Remus, because I don't like her Remus and that fact alone would drive me up the fucking wall.

I don't know why that bothers me, but it does. The fact that a pairing Roni and I are both a fan of, is something that we cannot partake in because we are completely different people. The fact that she
RPs Sirius/Remus slashy makes me, as I've said several paragraphs up, jealous as fucking hell. Since the two Sirius's she has are people I know and would consider friends and awesome people, there is no
reason for me to have a fucking fit about it, and I haven't. I try to hold the fit in despite the childish desire that I want to scream, cry, throw my toys at my presents, and beat the wall with my fists
and my head. Logically, I have no reason to be jealous. I know Roni loves me, and I know she knows I love her, and those two facts alone make me all warm and fuzzy everytime I think about it. I think I am
more pissed off at my own feelings of jealous rage than I am about the slashy, but this may just be a rationalization my brain makes so I don't feel such a horrible human being. I do feel horrible everytime
I have these stupid petty emotions that I logically should not feel. Can I control them? No. Can I control my expression of them? To some degree. Though I do have to apologize to Roni for being so
Sirius/Remus bashy lately. Placing it lower of my list of "OMG, OTP LOVE" makes me feel better, and I'm sorry that I have to do it in order to make me feel better. If there was another way, I'd gladly take
it, but experience tells me, "no." So just pat me on the head and let me hate Sirius/Remus until I get over my jealousy, which may be anytime tomorrow or never. I'm willing to bet on the latter.

Recently, I have tried to tempt fate in suggesting that Roni and I come up with another pairing for us to roleplay. This was a thoroughly depressing ordeal. Roni and I watch entirely different anime. Out
of the list we would be comfortable RPing, we only came up with 5 that we both were comfortable with, and 2 of those were Guilty Gear. List was as followis:

- SolxKy (GG)
- FrederickxKy (GG)
- HarryxDraco (HP)
- BrandonxBunji (Gungrave)
- RikuxSora (Kingdom Hearts)

The fact that we have so little anime in common (or so little hobbies in common period) is disheartening. I have always been the type of person to want to share my experiences with my significant others, and
it's important that we be into the same thing. The fact that Roni and I only have GG in common is...well...depressing, perhaps. I feel that she's not sharing enough in my life and I am not sharing enough in
hers. Unfortunately this may be a conscious decision. I know that Roni is into Yugioh, Juuni Kokki, and Scryed. I have seen bits and parts of all three of these series and have absolutely NO desire at all
to watch them. In fact, were I forced to watch them, I would be very grumpy and displeased. I am currently into Naruto, Tsubasa, and One Piece, all series which Roni has expressed a similar level of disinterest
in. The pairings that I most want to roleplay at the moment are: KnivesxLegato (Trigun), NarutoxSasuke (Naruto), and ZoroxLuffy (One Piece), all of which Roni is not terribly familiar with/doesn't want to do.

And I, because I do love her, would never force her to do something against her will. Even if it made me happier.
In that sense, I think I have grown up a lot since my relationship with Omi. I realize that I don't want Roni unhappy, and I am willing to sacrifice little bits of my own happiness in order to preserve hers. That
doesn't mean I'm not going to angst about the fact that I have to do that though.

I've always imagined the person I love as someone who fit so perfectly to me and felt so right. Someone who knew me so well that they could predict my moods and finish my sentences. Someone who knew why I was
upset, someone I could just hang around and feel completely and naturally at ease. Someone to share my life, my passions, and my excitement with. I've been searching for that person, and he/she is very elusive...
assuming such a person actually exists. I am not sure whether my standards are too high, whether I'm shooting for the moon, or whether my head has been filled with silly notions that I should just drop.

Some of the days I spent with Omi are the happiest of my life. Some of the days I spent with Omi are the most miserable days of my life, but I will always look upon my memories with him with fondness. I am saddened
by the fact that none of the days I've spent with Roni so far are noteworthy. I barely remember the cons I've been to with her, or what we were doing on the days we weren't at the con. I have no memories with her that
I can say, "These are the happiest days of my life," but then again, I've spent so much more time with Omi than I have with Roni. Perhaps we will make memories. Maybe I will find what I want, what I've been dreaming of, or maybe
I will be forced by reality to discard my dreams and make compromises. Maybe that's a part of growing up, maturing, and becoming an adult. That is, finally pulling my head out of the clouds and realizing that like isn't all just
strawberries and cream, by and large it's pretty bitter and we all rationalize away the reasons we tossed away our visions. Some of us are pretty good at convincing ourselves that this is the best and only way. I have always been
notoriously difficult to condition that way, because there is always the scientist in me that tells me exactly what I am doing and why I am doing it. Which I suppose, ruins the party.

Unfortunately life has me stuck in a position where I am unable to change the relationship I am in. I am unable to move to Chicago for the meantime, and Roni is unable to move to Boston. We may move in together when we graduate,
but that remains to be seen what I choose to do with my bachelor's after I get out of HELL. Until then, I think the doubt will linger, and I have a lot of doubts, none of which have been resolved by this, the longest entry I've
ever made to my fucking blog.

But I have aired myself out, and I do feel better for that, despite the fact that I am still uncertain of so many things I want to be certain about. And I don't I am going to be certain about anything for at least a good year or so.
I hate being strung along by time like this, but I guess it happens. In short, I wish things had been different, but given the fact that I can't change the past, I will attempt to change the future.

...I'm not sure where Aja got this, but I find it very wise.

But you must remember that in this life, no matter how much we wish to, in the end, we cannot truly change the world; nor can we truly change other people. We can change only ourselves. (From chapter 10 of "Love Under Will,"
Dumbledore to Draco.)

And I do want to change myself, but I don't think I can. There are some things about myself I just can't change, like to make this bad feeling of insecurity and uncertainty go away. To make all the petty, stupid, irrational feelings
go away...it just won't happen, because they're a part of the self that defines who I am. They're a part of my personality, and though I may be able to change how I behave, I can't change me.

Maybe I haven't tried hard enough.

To all of those of you, still reading, I tip my hat to you. Thank you for hearing me out. All my friends, I love you all, you're all wonderful people.
To those of you who aren't my friends and are looking to put me on a site like "Something Awful," go ahead. I admit that everything I have said here in this entry deserves to be made fun of.

That is another of the few things I do like about myself. I have a sense of humor.