ball of angst

July 23, 2004 4:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

I'm a total ball of angst right now. Can't help it. Honest.

Feel free to ignore this post, if Skuld-angst is not one of your things. :x Also, feel free to mock me and my indecisiveness, and my inability to be able to tell what I really want.

Feel free to mock me because I'm too nice and I'm willing to give up a large part of my happiness for those of the people I care about.

God, this sucks. :/ Bleh.

There are some important questions that I need to work out for myself, some important questions that need to be answered before I can move on to the next stage of my life.

Thankfully I have a year to figure them out, and I wonder if I ever will find the answers.

I keep wondering what it is I want from the people I love, and whether or not it's all right, good, or correct for me to ask for unreasonable things. Or maybe they are reasonable. Maybe I'm just not as cool or as easygoing as other people are. Maybe I just see the world differently and I can't see it any other way even though I try.

I wonder if what I really want is good for me, and if it's okay to still want it even though I know it'll hurt me in the end.

Oh well.
All I want right now for it to be 6:30pm, so I'll be at Mel's place playing TokiMemo Girls' Side and the rest of her games, and busting out my Guilty Gear stick and whooping Kalvin and Sam's ass. ^_^

I don't think things will ever get bad enough that I can't put them out of my mind and pretend to be a different person.

16 Comments

By Crystal on July 24, 2004 6:33 AM

Whee~! Angst. ^^

It's not entirely bad to ask unreasonable things from the people you love once in a while. If you do it constantly, then that's not good, but if you love them, and they love you, I'm sure they'd be willing to sacrifice something to fufill your "unreasonable" request. That especially goes for if you're willing to sacrifice your happiness for them.

Whether or not you'd be happy with what you want... is a confusing thing... =_=; (Been there before... *sigh*)

Anyway... *pat pat* Good luck on your decision... ^^ "Zettai daijoubu dai yo!" *hopes she spelled all that right...* (I think I did...) *huggles*

By Chiko on July 24, 2004 10:15 AM

Honestly, I think instead of questioning what you want from others, you should think about what you really want from yourself. What you can or want to do, and then, compromise with the ones you love. Those who truely love you will want the best for you, and therefore, work something out with you. That's part of being an adult, the ability to work things out together and compromise. However, you just have to know how much you want to sacrifice and how far you're willing to go.

On a side note. I wanna play Tokimeki Girl's Side!!! >___< Prettiness!!! *whine*

Oh yeah, here's a kick for you. Best email subject I got in my junk mail box, it read,

"Pretty boy wants to meet a real man."

XD; 'Nuff said.

By ali-chan on July 24, 2004 8:01 PM

::hugs:: My Sasuke-kun isn't allowed to be a ball of angst!!!

... Wait a second... ::thinks about that statement:: Eheh. ^^;;

Really, I think you've got time to get things in order - often when you realize there's all this stuff that's going on in your life, and all these things you want and other people you have to be aware of, you end up feeling pressured and worried. But things work out, and I hope you enjoy your senior year even while working out your angst and questions. ^_^ I'll miss being there at MIT with you!! ;_;

By Cocoa on July 25, 2004 3:02 AM

*hugs*

By ZZZ on July 25, 2004 12:30 PM

DISCLAIMER: I've never experienced a feeling of angst myself, so pardon me if I've completely misinterpreted what you've written. I'm still young, but that's an excuse as poor as any as you'll ever hear, because even children should know what to say to cheer up others. I also don't know whether the idea of 'unreasonable things' is actually some kind of innuendo that all people above the age of 16 understand innately, or whether it is actually applying to the conventional meaning of something unreasonable. In any case, I've structured this comment around the assumption that the latter is true. If it is not, disregard everything after this point. However, even if everything I'm going to write is irrelevant, you should read it anyway: it may just make getting people to do things easier.

--Rant-bot v1.1 Initialized--

Anyway, this is how I see it. Like a lot of other things, this is largely a matter of the degree of unreasonability of the things which you seek from the people that you love. You must take into account many factors when asking things of people, including how well you know them, how well they know you, how well you get along, and both of your personalities. Depending on what you ask for, you may have to consider additional factors, such as fiscal situation and accessibility to the things that will be required to accomplish your wishes.

The ultimate objective, of course, is to be able to complete what you have to do, while at the same time keeping your friends happy. Getting people to do what you want while keeping them reasonably happy with you at the same time is thus a matter of asking different things of different people, based on how far you believe someone is willing to go for you. If someone is willing to do something for you that you deem to be possibly unreasonable, remember this: they have only bent their mentalities in such a way that they have tricked themselves into seeing your request is reasonable. They do this because they love you.

It sounds like manipulation, but it is actually structuring your needs and your friends' abilities in order to get what you need to get done, in the most efficient of ways. However, you need to make sure that you never ask too much of any one particular person, and that you don't ask for too much in general. Even the incomprehensible power of love will only carry you so far. Ask too much of someone and they will eventually start hating you, even though they may seem unchanged. When this happens, it becomes your responsibility to fix your relationship with this person. The person may make this process easier by speaking to you about your unreasonable request(s) before the decay of the relationship spirals out of control; the person may not make it any easier by keeping his or her mouth shut. As I said, it's your responsibility to preserve your relationships. People tend to be very forgiving, though, so you should be able to screw up a few times before they turn their backs on you permanently. This doesn't mean that you should intentionally ask too much of someone, rather, it's a sort of safety system to save your ass if you DO screw up, because we all make mistakes.

It sounds good on paper (or perhaps it doesn't, depending on how moral you are), but does it work in practice? No one can tell you definitively, since you are the only one who has the exact relationships with other people that you do, thus, you are the only one who can judge accurately how far someone is willing to go to make you happy. For the sake of backing up this entire theory, though, I'll provide the best example I can come up with.

Let's take me, for instance. You know I am reasonably dedicated to you, although perhaps not as dedicated as some people you've known for much longer than you've known me. However, I don't have any sort of connections to the worlds in which you inhabit; I cannot get you up-to-the-minute reports on the status of pop culture in Japan, nor can I be one of your RP partners, nor can I come up with any ideas for fanfic (not that you'd want me to supply any ideas, since both you and I know how poorly I write fiction, but that's a moot point right now). It is not that I do not want to do such things for you, I simply do not have the capability of doing such things. I can, however, be a mentor of sorts for you in DDR. (That's probably the only thing I CAN do for you.) Thus, if you asked me to play So Deep so that you could learn the rhythm, I would do so. If you asked me to do Trick Oni, I would do so. If you asked me to do Legend Road (I cannot see why you would ask me to do something like that, though), I would do that as well. Although you may (or may not, considering that you know the full extent of my skill) see Legend Road as something unreasonable, I trick myself into thinking it is reasonable, because I am able to do it, and I want to satisfy you, since I know you are often stressed by your workload during the school year.

However, if you asked me to play Legend Road every day, I would eventually get irritated with you, as well as very tired. The reason I get irritated is because playing Legend Road every day conflicts with my other agendas, specifically, I want to improve my skill on songs other than the 10-footers. Although I can change my agenda to accomodate your wishes, I can only do so a limited number of times before I consider your requests to be excess baggage. I would never tell you such; rather, I would simply tell you that I do not have the energy to play Legend Road anymore. I never change my behavior towards you, but I have become slightly annoyed at you for 'bossing me around', for sheer lack of a better term. My tolerance towards doing things for you has, in this way, lessened.

It is, in some ways, a huge juggling act. You have to determine who can do what you want, who is actually willing to do it, and who loves you enough to perhaps go above and beyond the call of duty. You then have to assign your wishes to these people accordingly, so that no one gets pissed off at you.

--Rant-bot v1.1 De-Initialized--

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