Recently in deep thoughts Category

Talking to Omi just made me kind of angsty.

(Hey, look on the bright side, at least all my angst/drama involves just me and a select handful people instead of everybody and their friends on the entire fucking planet.)

Omi knows exactly how I feel. E-fucking-xactly how I feel. To the T. There is not one feeling I am feeling right now that doesn't Omi understand and hasn't gone through. And I feel really bad for him because I'm the one that made him feel like shit. I was doing it for the entire two-something years that I was going out with him, and I don't know how I managed to miss how I was fucking him up so badly. But yeah if his future girlfriend/boyfriend/wife, hates my guts, I'll totally deserve it.

I will never be able to make up the debt that I owe Omi, but he's still a nice guy, and he's still willing to have me as one of his best friends, and that at least makes me happy somewhere inside.

So yeah, listening to Big Top Vertigo right now, and feeling that my life is somehow still off track, and that I wish some things had never happened to me, because they cause more pain and give me more sad memories than happy ones.

spinning so slowly
she cries out, "I'm lonely"
there must be someone here
who can ease my fear
that this gravity
is simply killing me
the drinking increases
she's falling to pieces
at night when nobody can see
she takes of her clothes
and she stares at the holes and the fragments that didn't used to be

Luckily this song comes with its own inspirational message.

don't give up
this road is far from over
don't give in
you're only in a tailspin
over and over again

Okay, I'll stop wallowing in self-loathing, guilt, and self-pity now (I'm sure you guys are so sick of me talking about my personal problems), and get my ass to bed, and head off the store to buy my cute little fish a real fishbowl to live in.

The moral of the story kids, keep your ex-boyfriends you fucked up, because they know how you feel. And always tell them how much you still love them. ^_^

Happier posts to come, promise. Maybe more on kintama and kendama. ^_~ *big grin*

I'm a total ball of angst right now. Can't help it. Honest.

Feel free to ignore this post, if Skuld-angst is not one of your things. :x Also, feel free to mock me and my indecisiveness, and my inability to be able to tell what I really want.

Feel free to mock me because I'm too nice and I'm willing to give up a large part of my happiness for those of the people I care about.

God, this sucks. :/ Bleh.

There are some important questions that I need to work out for myself, some important questions that need to be answered before I can move on to the next stage of my life.

Thankfully I have a year to figure them out, and I wonder if I ever will find the answers.

I keep wondering what it is I want from the people I love, and whether or not it's all right, good, or correct for me to ask for unreasonable things. Or maybe they are reasonable. Maybe I'm just not as cool or as easygoing as other people are. Maybe I just see the world differently and I can't see it any other way even though I try.

I wonder if what I really want is good for me, and if it's okay to still want it even though I know it'll hurt me in the end.

Oh well.
All I want right now for it to be 6:30pm, so I'll be at Mel's place playing TokiMemo Girls' Side and the rest of her games, and busting out my Guilty Gear stick and whooping Kalvin and Sam's ass. ^_^

I don't think things will ever get bad enough that I can't put them out of my mind and pretend to be a different person.

In light of the recent Massachusetts legislative decision to ban gay marriage but allow for same sex civil unions...
Thanks, humanity, for giving me another reason to slaughter you all. Or at the very least, attempt to rule over all of you.

Sarto, a friend of mine has brought up a lot of good points in his latest post on the marriage issue, the best of which I think are:

(on the issue of civil unions): On one hand, the law is telling gay couples they are inferior and don't deserve the same rights, verbatum, as those given to every other citizen, and then on the other it's saying "but we realize we're being discriminatory so here are your rights anyway". It's semantics really. If it smells like chicken, and looks like chicken, and tastes like chicken, and has all the legal rights and benefits of chicken, ...just call it chicken. ... The point is that creating a civil union that has all of the same rights and privileges as marriage is not only semantics, it is creating something separate. Sure, they have equal rights, but by not calling it the same thing, they're only encouraging discrimination to persist against gay couples simply because they disguise their bigotry under the veil of equality.

(on religion): I know it must be hard for people that truly do believe in religion to support gay marriages. If they could take a step back, for one moment, and read a history book, I think matters would be greatly resolved. Religion has been used as an argument in the name of biggotry more often than any other creed in history. This is not the first, nor the last time, that someone else's religious beliefs will cloud the judgment of men. What legal reaon is there to prevent two loving people, no matter what they're sexes, from getting married? None,..none whatsoever. Why is it so difficult to understand that not everybody believes in Christianity, or Judaism, or Hindu, or Muslim, etc. We are not all of the same creed, therefore it is wrong to make laws that limit rights of citiznes based solely on religious beliefs.

Of course, it's easier to blame nature and say that gay people are an abomination of nature than it is to blame it on God and say "God screwed up". No, it is only ever "God's plan" or "God's will". If that's so true, how can religious zealots argue that gays are sinful or unholy. It's obviously part of "God's plan", just like everything has to be. Oh wait, I forgot, it's only part of God's plan when it's convenient to say so, when it doesn't support a group of people the church doesn't agree with. It's been 2000 years since the Bible was written. That's a long time. Even assuming the men that wrote it got God's message right the first time, who's to say God hasn't changed his mind in 2000 frickin' years. GRRRR RELIGION!!! WE HATES YOU, TRICKSY BIBLESES!! If there is any truth to be had in this nature debate, it is that nature doesn't make mistakes, except for the platypus.

Amen Sarto. :3 (and now a moment aside for me to say...WHY IS IT SNOWING OUTSIDE?!)

And now, with religion, bigotry, and upcoming 2004 US Presidental Elections coming up, Skuld releases a very rough draft of her Rational Dictatorship Manifesto. (Very Machiavellian.)

I'll just say outright right now that I am, in principle, against organized religion. Nothing worse has happened to humanity than the beginnings of organized religion. Religion is an oppressive institution in which people are brainwashed, often from birth, their rational thought shut down, and made to believe in rewards which will not ever be delivered.

Religion is and has always been mired in bigotry and power struggles, and is used as the scapegoat for mindless discrimination of an oppressed minority. Religion unfortunately, under the right circumstances can do good things, namely teaching people a set of morality and values thereby saving humanity from the State of Nature.

If you should ever find yourself in control of a nation, the most valuable tool for you will be religion. In order to have full control of your situation, you must do two things: 1) create a religion, and 2) do not believe in this religion (but by all means, pretend you do).

In this Religion, you will set up yourself, as Grand High Dictator/Monarch/Overlord as God. Your word is law. Your word is divine. Your word is to be worshipped by the people. Your word, and the word of your sons and daughters. But most of all, you must not believe you that you are God. Your word is not divine, but having it worshipped and having it law is quite nice, no? In order to avoid massive oversights and personal failures, you must recognize that you will fuck up at some point in your life and accept your shortcomings. Do not believe in your own religion. Remember at all times that the only purpose for which you have created your own religion is to keep control of the people. You may assume, however, that you know best. That is the other reason you have this religion after all, because you know best.

In this State, which I will call the Rational Dictatorship, belief in this religion and practice in all these religious rituals and services will be compulsory. Should any dissent surface, do not hesitate to invoke your right as Dictator/Monarch/Overlord to eliminate them and make an example of them. This will ensure that large uprisings do not occur, for if people fear anything, they fear death. Teach them that sacrifice is not something looked highly upon, and that sacrifical martyrdom is not the pathway to a happy afterlife (should your religion contain anything about the afterlife). That should quell most religious zealots who want to sacrifice themselves to take you out.

Your religion should be based around the principles of equality, community, and happiness. Teach them that conflict is to be resolved, but as quickly as possible in a way that maximizes harmony and happiness within the community. Remember that if people are treated equally, they have nothing you complain about. Certainly, you their God, is an exception. Also teach them that it's okay to be gay. ^_^

Your religion must contain a strict moral code of behavior governing such things as theft, murder, and assault, but make sure your moral code does not impinge upon consensual sexual expression. Make sure your religion contains allegories for which the common man can allude, and any depictions of violence and inequality are to be handed down with the message that this is very, very bad. Make sure they remember that death is the worst thing that can happen to them, and that you have control over their fate.

Above all, you as the governing entity of this state must occasionally deal with the marginalized person who commits a crime. What is a crime? A crime is anything that violates the Social Contract that you have created with your people. By violating the Social Contract, you no longer have obligation to care for that person. Depending on the degree of the crime, anything from rehabilitation to public execution should be good a idea.

And in your Rational Dictatorship course, should read a lot of philosphy books. In addition to this short manifesto, read Machiavelli, Locke, Hobbes, Kant, Nietzsche, Satre, Heidegger, Hegel, Plato/Socrates, Mills, Rawls, and Nozick.

If I missed anything let me know. :P Feel free to suggest addendums to my Manifesto.

There are some people's blog entries I read, and that just gets me thinking. Stupid mind, stop thinking.

the downfall of your fandom by skuldchan
Username:
Fandom:
How it happened:	You fandom was invaded by the slash fangirls, the doom of all mankind
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Yet proof again that Skuld is right. O_o;; At least when it deals with my own Memes. O_o;; Yeah, it's late I'm reading "A Long, Hard Road again (hats off to Twig, and it's like crack. O_O;; I need it. I needs it. *keeps plugging Twig* (It's Cocoa's fault, really...I told her to read it again because she finished FF7 and now Sephiroth won't let me get away without rereading it too. *sobs*)

Anyways...¬_¬ have you finished it, Cocoa? ^^;; Drop me a line when you have, because I always love discussing fanfics with people. ^_~

Aaah, I think back on the days, when I was a freshman in high school (oh so long ago) and I was, deep down in my little teeny weeny heart, a Sephiroth fangirl. And you know being a Sephiroth fangirl is one of those things that you never grow out of. Sort of like crack, or breathing. You always come back to it no matter how long it's been. Once a Sephiroth fan, always a Sephiroth fan. Even though the Sephiroth obsession only lasted about 3 or 4 months (because it was quickly overtaken by the Hotohori obsession), who am I making layouts of now? ^_^;; Not Hotohori. (Though he too holds a special place in my heart...but not as special as Sephiroth :x)

And oh, reading Twig's fic is stirring my little heartstrings and making me go, "Oh, Sephiroth, I love you!" just like I did when I was a wee little 14 year old. *nostalgia* I think my tune has now changed to (since my wee little 14 year old days were before I stumbled upon yaoi and slash and the joys of male homosexuality), "Oh, Sephiroth, I love you when you boink Cloud!"

This has, of course, prompted a massive exodus of me (and I am getting massive as I sit here on my ass in Salt Lake City while my mother and her friends forcefeed me delicious Chinese food) to Ebay to search for SephirothxCloud doujinshi. I do have to say, out of my entire doujinshi collection (which is not as massive as I would like, not as massive as some of my friends' collections and certain not as massive as me) a good decent part of it is SephirothxCloud. ^_^ Even though my first doujinshi were Toshimi Nigoshi's two volumes of Sand End (Oh, the WolfwoodxVash goodness)...I will always welcome SephirothxCloud. Especially anything by Pure Hearts Club F (their "I Love You" doujinshi is my favorite) and the Level-C circle (I have temporarily forgotten their doujinshi pseudoym...goddammit).

And damn, it's late, I should be sleeping. Mmm...Sephiroth. *melts into a puddle of fangirl* Don't even get me started on how they've gotten him all wrong on the Advent Children DVD they're making. >_< *grumbles* Nooo~! Sephiroth is supposed to be hot, not evil! He's just misunderstood and Jenova made him crazy. ¬_¬ (Psst, LHR is canon. No, really.)

Okay, I'll stop my late-night insane ramblings. =_=;; I will most likely stumble upon this in the morning (as will you) and go, "WTF?!"

Happy New Year's to anyone out there bored enough to come to my blog and see what I have to say. *sweatdrops*

Nothing much here to say, but I shall follow the trend and say what's on my mind about 2003, and what I expect out of 2004.

I don't really make any resolutions (because I suck at keeping them) so there's nothing to fulfill in that arena. Overall, 2003 was a pretty cool year. The little I remember of it outside of doing horrendous amounts of work (thanks, MIT) was really cool.

I started off the year pretty much in a horrible One Piece obsession, and that was honestly, pretty cool. ^_^ I got to work with Kaizoku-Fansubs and that was just one huge, fun experience. I don't have much time left for it anymore, but I'll do something when I can. *sweatdrops*

Then Anime Boston happened in April, and AniBos was an awesome experience. I met so many people there who are now good friends of mine. ^_^ Meeting people and sticking around with them is one of the coolest things about going to an anime convention. AniBos was awesome, from doing the Masquerade to just sitting around the hotel lobby and going to the ghetto rave. ^_^ I look forward to Anime Boston in 2004, because I know even more of my friends are going to be there.

Nothing much was eventful in the months of April and May, aside from scrambling to get enough studying done for finals. I headed home for three weeks in June, and that was loads of fun. Mostly because Omi got me hooked on Guilty Gear, and I took a trip down to Anime Expo in Anaheim for a day (Thursday). Even though I was alone, I had a good time interviewing people and hanging around the game room. There some good costumes, and overall, it was a nice day away from the parental units. But it doesn't match up at all to...

Otakon! Otakon was by far the most enjoyable experience I had in 2003. And I know several people might agree with me on this one. Otakon rocked, the whole way through. I heard there was close to 20,000 total in attendance, and though that's barely a tenth of the Tokyo Comic Market, that's pretty big for something in the United States. Otakon, you kicked Anime Expo's ass. ^_^

We headed down there in a caravan of three cars, and even those of us who weren't going down with us got to crash in our rooms. Otakon was just one big weekend-long uber-expensive party. We drove down Thursday nigh so we wouldn't miss a single thing when it opened on Friday. There's some pretty amusing stories of us going down, like Mark, Ray, and I shouting the lyrics to Weird Al's "Albuquerque" out the window, and meeting up with other random Otakon pilgrims (including Matt and Lise) at rest stops in New Jersey. Sure, it was rainy on the way down, and we traded sketchy looks whenever Avatrix and Destra's vehicle would slow down to 50mph on the freeway, and Will accidentally took the wrong turn and came in about 45 mins. after we did (he also knocked out his alignment), it was fun. Really really fun, and even though I can't hit Otakon 2004, I will try my best to haul my ass to Otakon 2005.

Two weeks after Otakon was ShoujoCon and there I met some people from the X fandom, Rackham Rose, Rachel, and Ko. Amberlee drove us (namely, Ali-chan and me) down there, and though ShoujoCon was only about 600 people this year, it was still fun. It's a small enough con that you can just plop your ass down and talk with people. And I found a couple of Guilty Gear gashapon figures from the first set. Uber-rare. And at ShoujoCon. O_O;; Go figure. (Still need a Ky...need a Ky...my Sol is lonely. ;_;)

The summer, aside from the cons was pretty good. I enjoyed being home and spending time with my parents, my sister, and Omi. Then I came home and got to room with Asphodel, who was very good at putting up with my constant requests for DDR, my laziness and non-fic-betaing, my frenzy over finishing my three costumes (Legato Bluesummers, Uchiha Sasuke, and Monou Fuuma), and the late night conversations which would most often carry us into three in the morning.

I also met Roni and Ed, and they're the two people I was closest to in the fall. They're awesome, hilarious, and well, Ed's my clone, and I don't think I could have survived this term without them keeping me company.

Oh right, and a shout-out to Mike Lewis, my fall term roommate. We actually worked out this term since there was nothing like that nasty matchmaking going on last fall, and I find that we work really well as roommates. ^_^ Go figure.

On the gaming front, I really haven't gotten much done in 2003 aside from getting stuck in Devil May Cry and giving up, playing ludicrous amounts of Guilty Gear, discovering the joys of Para Para Paradise, and improving my Dance Dance Revolution skills.

Not much to say about 2004 except that I hope to still be friends with those I'm currently friends with, I hope to patch up some relations with some people I've grown apart from, and the summer in Japan is going to rule. ^_^ Next term is going to be a little tough with 5 classes, a part-time job, and research to do, so I'm going to have to drop some of my projects (I have the feeling I will not be timing for K-F next term) in order to make time for the people I like talking to, and the games I like to play. I look forward to Anime Boston 2004 and Anime Central 2004, and I wonder what the beginning of my senior year will hold for me.

Where has my mind been tonight? Not with me apparently. I need to get started on my chapter response to Roni's Azure, but my mind just isn't entirely with it tonight. -_-;; I don't know why. Maybe there's something bothering me, or maybe I'm just feeling shitty. God, I hope I'm not sick. O_o;; Or maybe I hope I am. If I recall correctly last year, I wrote some pretty kick-ass fanfiction in my feverish delirium. Ah, and such began the long string of fucked up Seishirou & Subaru fics. ^_^;;

I'd like to try my hand at fucked up Sol & Ky fanfiction sometime...you know, things that are slightly off canon but still could be possible. Alternative viewpoints perhaps. Once in a while I get bored of my canon characters and decide they need a little twist. ^^;;

Tomorrow's the last day of class, but it seems I will have to be on campus for most of Thursday and Friday. =_=;; Oh well, that gives me a chance to study, undistracted by silly things like my computer. O_o;;

(But without nice things like my music. -_-;; Lugging around a CD player is such a pain in the ass. *sigh* But I have nothing else...so... ^^;; *sweatdrops* Guess you live with what you've got.)

So close to being break, and I can go home. ^_^ Being away from Boston and MIT does me wonders, really. Odd how all my muses reside in Utah. O_o;; Why'd they want to be there? Probably because there's no stupid things like work getting in the way. I pray for much ficcage this year. ^_^;;

I feel bad for not keeping in touch with my Utah friends. I do try, but perhaps we are content with drifting apart. Our interests are diverging, and it seems that despite my blog, they are unwilling to keep up in my life. I suppose that is all right with me.

Was sort of angsty today, especially during my library shift while I was talking with Ed over IM. We all have our little insecurities sometimes, and oftentimes mine come to the forefront when I find I have too much time on my hands to think about them. But you live each day as it comes I suppose, and if you're expecting something to happen in the indeterminate future, maybe it won't be too much of a surprise, though in truth, you are never prepared when bad things (or even the good things) happen.