deep thoughts: July 2004 Archives

Talking to Omi just made me kind of angsty.

(Hey, look on the bright side, at least all my angst/drama involves just me and a select handful people instead of everybody and their friends on the entire fucking planet.)

Omi knows exactly how I feel. E-fucking-xactly how I feel. To the T. There is not one feeling I am feeling right now that doesn't Omi understand and hasn't gone through. And I feel really bad for him because I'm the one that made him feel like shit. I was doing it for the entire two-something years that I was going out with him, and I don't know how I managed to miss how I was fucking him up so badly. But yeah if his future girlfriend/boyfriend/wife, hates my guts, I'll totally deserve it.

I will never be able to make up the debt that I owe Omi, but he's still a nice guy, and he's still willing to have me as one of his best friends, and that at least makes me happy somewhere inside.

So yeah, listening to Big Top Vertigo right now, and feeling that my life is somehow still off track, and that I wish some things had never happened to me, because they cause more pain and give me more sad memories than happy ones.

spinning so slowly
she cries out, "I'm lonely"
there must be someone here
who can ease my fear
that this gravity
is simply killing me
the drinking increases
she's falling to pieces
at night when nobody can see
she takes of her clothes
and she stares at the holes and the fragments that didn't used to be

Luckily this song comes with its own inspirational message.

don't give up
this road is far from over
don't give in
you're only in a tailspin
over and over again

Okay, I'll stop wallowing in self-loathing, guilt, and self-pity now (I'm sure you guys are so sick of me talking about my personal problems), and get my ass to bed, and head off the store to buy my cute little fish a real fishbowl to live in.

The moral of the story kids, keep your ex-boyfriends you fucked up, because they know how you feel. And always tell them how much you still love them. ^_^

Happier posts to come, promise. Maybe more on kintama and kendama. ^_~ *big grin*

I'm a total ball of angst right now. Can't help it. Honest.

Feel free to ignore this post, if Skuld-angst is not one of your things. :x Also, feel free to mock me and my indecisiveness, and my inability to be able to tell what I really want.

Feel free to mock me because I'm too nice and I'm willing to give up a large part of my happiness for those of the people I care about.

God, this sucks. :/ Bleh.

There are some important questions that I need to work out for myself, some important questions that need to be answered before I can move on to the next stage of my life.

Thankfully I have a year to figure them out, and I wonder if I ever will find the answers.

I keep wondering what it is I want from the people I love, and whether or not it's all right, good, or correct for me to ask for unreasonable things. Or maybe they are reasonable. Maybe I'm just not as cool or as easygoing as other people are. Maybe I just see the world differently and I can't see it any other way even though I try.

I wonder if what I really want is good for me, and if it's okay to still want it even though I know it'll hurt me in the end.

Oh well.
All I want right now for it to be 6:30pm, so I'll be at Mel's place playing TokiMemo Girls' Side and the rest of her games, and busting out my Guilty Gear stick and whooping Kalvin and Sam's ass. ^_^

I don't think things will ever get bad enough that I can't put them out of my mind and pretend to be a different person.