(Yay cousin's boyfriend and his laptop and dial-up <3 *has internet access again, for now*)

I meant to bring this up in my other entry, but I kind of got distracted by having other people around me. Even the thought of people reading over my shoulder bugs me, it's kind of a pet peeve.

Anyway. So, last night, before I went to bed, I decided to read TB 2, because I wasn't quite ready to go to sleep, and I hadn't read my English copy of it yet. And then, because I had it with me me, I read through X16 again (I use 'read' in a very loose sense here, as I have basically no Japanese comprehension). And...I think I caught a glimpse of something I've been missing for a while - what I guess could be called my Seishirou. What I see in him, why I love him, and most importantly right now, why I started cosplaying him.

I've been starting to realize recently that I've grown from cosplaying Seishirou for me, to somewhat cosplaying him for certain other people, who I think know who they are and thus won't be named, and in a competative, unhealthy way at that (My two Subarus, Hokuto, and Tree-san, I don't mean you guys. Don't get upset, it's not your fault ^^). I do unfortunately have tendancies towards jealousy, and being competative. And now...now, there is a standard to match. One that I can't match, at least in the eyes of most. This, in turn, leads to two problems:

One, not cosplaying for love of the character, which is a nasty rut, and one I promised myself I would never fall into, and two, tensions and problems with aforementioned certain people, who I really do love and admire, possibly more than they realize, beyond all the times I get jealous of them, or upset with them. And everybody else has to put up with all that, unfortunately ^^;

As for a solution - amoung other things, I think I need to find that reason I started cosplaying Seishirou for myself, and holding on to it. How, I'm not entirely sure, but I'll try. And...I think I need to find a way out from under their shadow, or how to stop being jealous of them, because it'll make it harder to go back to being non-competative about this.

...Wow, that was a hell of a lot about cosplay. Never let it be said I don't take it seriously, I suppose ^^ Anyway, interested in hearing thoughts and comments on my crazed, early-morning ramblings ^^